Crisis of faith! Me? Never! Well, it happened to me at the end of January last year, leaving me in a state of breathless bewilderment.
Anglicans have a fair amount of freedom in theological thought and, because of this, I never dreamed I would face a hurdle of such magnitude that I would seriously question whether I was a Christian or not. Indeed I truly didn't know what I was for about three weeks…
Doubts and questions are the weekly fare of EFM (Education for Ministry) - we willingly voice them, debate them, research them, and ultimately resolve them. We expect and understand this process and our mentors prod us to delve into difficult areas of faith. But knowing all this, as well as feeling comfortable expressing my positions (or lack of) in front of my group, did nothing to prepare me for a double whammy hiding in the lesson guides of Year 2 (New Testament).
I have never doubted the existence of God the Father, our higher power. Nor have I questioned the existence of the Holy Spirit because I have experienced the "force" occasionally. But when we got to the crux of the Christian faith - Jesus our Messiah and his resurrection, his humanity and divinity _ everything fell apart for me.
This was less of an intellectual experience and more of an emotional reaction. The truth came out that I found I couldn't believe in his existence; I couldn't rely on the second-hand accounts written decades after his death; and, more difficult for me still, why hadn't Jesus himself ever written anything down (was he illiterate?). The other issue that defeated me was that I had to accept that Jesus died for my sins…. What? Why? Over the years I realized I had never dared to look too closely at any of this and now I was forced to do so. I was backed into a corner and knew I could not emerge until I resolved it.
I also realized that only I could sort out this crisis, at least, in the last analysis. But, after I actually verbalized my doubts aloud, my fellow EFMers and mentor were right beside me throughout. They listened, understood, and sympathized. Some had had similar experiences and offered books for me to read.
I solved my crisis on page 13 of the first book - Meeting Jesus Again for the First Time by Marcus Borg. I couldn't put it down and carried it everywhere I went until I had finished it. Then I read it again. I devoured many books over those three weeks and came out the other side "born again into the spirit."
My problem involved mixing up the pre-Easter Jesus with the post-Easter Jesus, the Jesus of the time with the Jesus of the church. I was also desperately trying to fit the populist view of Jesus as the "person" who atoned for my sins into the picture and I couldn't do it. It's a complicated issue and needs another book to explain it, but that's the gist of where I was.
Most of us meet brick walls somewhere along our Christian journey and I was no exception. That I had the support of a parish, mentors, and a priest, turned the trial into a gift of opportunity.
My faith is renewed, different, more personal, and more understandable to me but…still a work in progress - I have simply climbed over the first wall. The stunning outcome led me to reaffirm my baptismal vows at the confirmation on June 6th last year. After all this, I know who I am - a committed Christian.
-Julie H. Ferguson
Speaker and author, Julie H. Ferguson is writing a book about four Canadian bishops who changed the world for publication by Dundurn Press in 2006. She can be reached through jhferguson@beaconlit.com or 604-469-1319.