By Beryl Musser
The Marriage Project
Alison and Warren almost didn't sign up. When a friend had suggested that perhaps pre-marriage counselling would be a good idea (weddings are for a day, a marriage is for a lifetime, might be a good idea to do a maintenance check, etc.) they were really quite skeptical.
"We don't have time, the wedding's costing us a fortune already," and "do we really need that with all that we have going on?"
The short but emphatic answer is yes - marriage preparation just makes good sense. Alison and Warren were eventually convinced to attend a group and were surprised how much there is to learn about creating a lifelong marriage.
Even with the best matches, they learned that all couples could benefit from learning how to build committed and satisfying marriages.
Up to half of all marriages end in divorce. Divorce rates are even higher for second marriages. Half of those who do stay together report lowered marital satisfaction within a few years of marrying.
The risk for divorce is greatest in the first five years. Having children often lowers relationship satisfaction. Managing shared finances, spending enough time together, establishing a pleasurable sex life, and establishing good relationships with in-laws are some of the other major challenges newlywed couples have to resolve in the first five years of marriage.
Getting married is a major life transition. How the marriage is established in the early years shapes how the marriage will unfold over the long term. But research does show that certain types of marriage preparation programs are quite effective at preventing divorce.
It is thought that there is a "magic window"—the year before and after marriage- when marriage preparation programs are the most beneficial. If skills are acquired during this time, at the beginning of the marriage, there is a greater likelihood they will be incorporated into the fabric of the marriage.
Over time the risk of marital break-up can be lowered by as much as 30 per cent when couples practice specific healthy relationship skills learned and practiced consistently.
Apart from divorce prevention, there is another reason to invest in marriage education. This is that every couple wants the best marriage possible. The ideal of having a partnership that is nurturing and supportive, and of having a relationship where trust and acceptance are core values, is one compelling to all couples.
Contrary to popular myth, being in love and marrying one's soul mate don't necessarily translate into living happily ever after. There are skills to be learned and work and time to be invested as well if couples want to make the marriage they dream of a reality.
This being true, marriage preparation workshops, such as the ones provided by The Marriage Project, focus on equipping couples with tools to communicate more effectively and to resolve conflicts that can undermine their love and commitment. They are taught how to decrease negative interactions and unreasonable expectations that often get in the way of a successful marriage.
By learning how to listen and communicate better, how to deal with personal differences and how to become "we" instead of "I" couples can create a framework that will give them the marriage they long for.
Later in 2005 the Marriage Project hopes to be able to offer programming that will make marriage preparation and relationship skill building more accessible across the province by providing on-line classes. We're in the process of setting these "virtual classrooms" up and hope to have them running shortly.
As well, we're always interested in coming out to churches to set up and facilitate tailor-made marriage enhancement groups. Our hope is to be able to partner with you in the ministry of helping to create healthy and lasting marriages.
Beryl Musser is Co-administrator and a counselor of The Marriage Project, an inter-church non-profit organization that provides about 50 sessions a year for couples, some at St. Philip's in Vancouver. For information visit www.themarriageproject.com.